The Lighter Side of Big Ten Coaching

Posted by John Candy at 2/20/2008 9:30 PM and is filed under Sports

Well as you all know Kelvin Sampson made a goof. Well it was a number of goofs and chances are these goofs may cost him his job. Its safe to say that lil’ Kelvin feels alone out there right now. The media is making it appear that hes the only bad guy in the world of NCAA coaches. Well I say cheer up Kelvin coaches make mistakes all the time. Gee-whiz just look at the Big Ten alone. Theres been a number of coaching goofs in that league both current and former. Lets take a look at some of these oopsies to turn Coach Sampson’s frown upside down.

First on the list we have Illini coach Bruce Webber. He has a number of accomplishments, but one fatal flaw…He talks like Daffy Duck. Eric Gordon is quoted as saying he backed out of his Illinois verbal commitment because “that ol’ bitch slobbered on my face.” Suckering Suckatash!!

Lets move on shall we. Former West Virgina coaching standout John Beilein is now coaching at Michigan where they have a reputation for helping other teams conference record. Its tough to solely blame coaching for a bad team but with the piss-poor motivationally speeches Beilein is dishing out, maybe the losses should fall on his shoulders.

Ohio State coach Thad Matta (who looks like Gene Hackman in “Hoosiers”) shows that Big Ten coaches follow the 5 second rule.

Former Big Ten coaches Bob Knight and Gene Keady are two of the most intimidating coaches to play the game. However, they both give an insight to their softer side to promote some delicious orange juice and some quality bookstore apparel. Editors Note - It’s hard to say these are flaws because I think these commercials are the cats pajamas.

Not so quick mean Gene. I do adore coach Keady very much, but apparently Darrick Martin of the Toronto Raptors has different feelings toward the Purdue legend.

Tom Izzo is clearly a man who severely suffers from Napoleon complex. Watch how he doesn’t even think twice about putting Erin Andrews in her place. Its ok Erin, you’re still the apple of my penis.

Now I know what you’re saying. Aren’t there any decent Big Ten coaches out there who are flawless. And the answer is yes. Yes there are my friends and that coach is Wisconsin’s Bo Ryan. Not only does he terrify me because he looks like a werewolf, but that old bastard can dance like no other. LETS SEE THAT HAMBONE BO!

So there you have it Kelvin I hope this puts your mind at ease during these dreadful and most likely last days at Bloomington.